30 December 2005

That kind of thing aint my bag, baby

I don't know if I'm old fashioned or what but I just don't get swingers. Before I came out as a lesbian, I always identified as bisexual and received numerous requests from the internet world off people who wanted to swing in one way or another. Now I don't really understand why bisexual seems to mean to people "easy" or "just up for sex". Even when I was bi, it meant nothing more than being sexually attracted to both men and women, not necessarily at the same time, and it was never about spicing up my sex life. I will always be faithful to the person I'm with and I expect the same of them. That's not too much to ask right?

So I don't get why people feel they want to swing. I also really don't get women whose husbands say it's ok for them to sleep with another woman but not another man. What's the distinction? It's still cheating. And when couples go to swinging clubs, such as this establishment in Blackpool, it's still colloquially referred to as wife-swapping which has undertones of a power imbalance in a relationship. I rarely hear about men whose wives freely let them go off on sexual encounters while they remain faithful, and I do worry how “free” consent to swing is, and to take a feminist view, how much it is expected in the gender roles proscribed in pornographic videos (I do take quite an extreme feminist view on porn*, it’s no way to define a sex life, sex is about love too, and this is all but forgotten).

I also wonder if these videos sell a fantasy that people feel compelled to act out, regardless of the effect on their relationships. I feel that if you love someone you want to be with them and only with them, to the exclusion of all others. If you wanna put it about, why not be single? No two people ever come at a relationship from exactly the same angle, and I just see it as an intricate way of getting hurt.

OK so for a liberal I’m pretty old fashioned. If people want to do this and they do it for their own reasons, and not under duress of circumstance, we’re all consenting adults and all….but it’s not for me and if I had a partner who wanted to be with someone else, they wouldn’t be with me anymore. I want to feel loved wholly, and know that I can satisfy my lover in every way or I don’t want to know.

PS. Please, no more requests from married women (even if hubby will leave us alone and doesn’t want to watch) and no more threesome requests, I want to be with one person, for you, and I want you to myself. Selfish? Maybe, but less people to get hurt.

* I will probably post this at a later date


Blogger Ally said...

I agree with you on some of the points you make and disagree on others.

I think it CAN be a recipe for disaster if people aren't honest with both themselves and their lovers - and quite a large number of people can't manage that.

Having said that, there *are* people who manage multiple relationships very successfully - but I don't think they tend to define that as 'swinging', it's more 'polyamory'. I tried a polyamorous relationship once with a couple of guys and it was a very painful disaster; because of the honesty thing, because of the power dynamic thing you flag up and not least because it turned out that one of them was having a breakdown at the time :/.

I wouldn't go there again - for me it's difficult enough to maintain one relationship successfully, let alone two or three.

I think you get different things from different people and you are very lucky if you get everything you need from one person. I get a great deal from my relationship; and what I don't get from it, I get from my platonic friendships, from both genders.

I'm rambling now.

Happy new year hun, hope you're feeling better x.

7:37 pm  

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